I will stop opening my postings with 'it's been a long time since I last wrote here'. The simple fact is that it has been, and this will unfortunately continue until the end of May, when I finish school. But this sacrifice (as well as a few others) will be worth it when I can legally do massage. Also, it is worthwhile considering that I am expanding my knowledge and healing abilities.
The other thing is that I only write when things worth mentioning happen. And sometimes I just live a normal boring life (go figure). Of course then there are the days that follow that old Chinese blessing (or curse, depending on how you look at it)... May you live in interesting times.
The past couple of months has seen an increase in stress in my life due to the activity of my job and the addition of school to my already crazy schedule. Unfortunately, my stress quintupled a few weeks ago due to an accident at school. Now, I will not go into any details except to say that the problem was caused by one of my many health problems (restless leg syndrome, look it up) and the fact that the rest of my class is composed of very young females. The class is uncomfortable working with me as they are not yet to the point that they have yet to reach where they view their subjects as 'just another body' instead of a person of this or that sex. To be a good massage therapist, one needs to turn off everything except that which helps in healing. The same is true for any energy healer. One needs to turn off anything that distracts from healing. Their intent should be so focused that they are making no judgments, and have nothing else on their mind.
At any rate, the bottom line is that I became very uncomfortable working with them, so uncomfortable that I was scared to touch them. At one point I was considering dropping out of school. That’s when the depression set in.
Now, one might be saying that since I do all these wonderful things, I shouldn’t have any health problems, and I shouldn’t ever be depressed about anything. Well, the truth is that like anyone else (and I know this may come as a surprise), I’m human. The things I can do, are not what I do, but what I am allowed to do by the deity I believe in. That is where the power and ability come from, not from within me. Unfortunately, it leaves me to make my own choices, to be stressed, to be depressed, to be human.
As with most healers, I spend too much time healing others and not taking care of myself (ask my doctor who has not seen a doctor herself in over six years). That is one reason I still have health problems.
Depression is something we all go through from time to time. When things get too tough, it hits. We know that we can control our state of mind, but sometimes the thread just gets stretched too far, and we don’t care to change. The bad thing is that I stopped eating for a number of days. The good thing is that I lost six pounds. I had been wanting to go to massage school for five years, and now it was dropping away from me. I fell into the deepest darkest hole I could find, my own mind.
Oh, yes, I go through my ups and downs just like everyone else. Ask a number of friends that always seem to be there when I have a problem or need to talk, as I am for them. That actually is what empaths are about, helping others when they hurt.
Now, the really funny thing is that even though I had hit rock bottom, when someone needed help, I was there for them. This is something I have always been able to do, help people who are in need even though I am a wreck. But when that is done, I fall back into my hole.
That’s when something incredible happened. I was on the massage table being worked on by my teacher as a demonstration, and the other students were split amongst themselves working. I didn’t want to be there. I wanted to be anywhere else. Suddenly, there was energy filling my head. It was not a threat. It did not hurt. It was calming, and loving. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I checked for direction (north, south, east, west), but could not find the source. I checked in on a couple friends that could be doing it, and it wasn’t them.
Then I started to follow the energy. It wasn’t coming from anyplace lateral to me. It was coming from somewhere up. Now I don’t think that I am anything special, nor do I think I have a special ‘in’ with the almighty (at least no more than anyone else), but that is the energy I was feeling. I do not know if it was coming direct, or if it was being channeled in by one of my guides. All I know is that it was there, and was what I needed at the moment, sort of an astral kick in the butt (or is that ass-tral). It came across as ‘be calm, you’re loved, now knock it the hell off’.
For the second half of the class I had to work on one of the other students. Up until three weeks ago, this had been something that I enjoyed as I was learning the school’s routine, and adding in some of my own stuff. Since then, it has been something I’ve dreaded, something that made me extremely nervous. In fact, the more time passed, the worse I got even though it should have been happening the other way around. At some times, when I worked on the other students, I ran on complete automatic (I was actually surprised to find that I could shut myself down, and still do a good massage routine). It had now gotten to the point that I couldn’t even do that.
Before starting, I calmed, and cleansed. I started doing the routine, and it was flowing fine. Now and then I would get nervous, and as I did, I would reach up and find that love and calming there. I would just draw some of it down, and then I would be fine.
At one point I came across a knot in my subject’s back. I worked on it for a bit to smooth it out, and I did some. I was concerned about whether it was just a knot or not (or was that knot or knot). I slowly just floated down inside and looked at what I was working on, and it was only knotted muscles. The surprise is that I was able to do that with my state of mind the way it was. Usually I have to be extremely calm to go in and look at things or do psychic surgery. That tells me someone was helping.
Later, my subject asked what move I had been doing on her back. I had actually been doing one of my own that I had picked up from someone else. She said it had been absolutely lovely.
I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much we evolve, no matter how much we grow, no matter how much we heal others, we are still human, and we still suffer the problems that everyone else suffers. Being a healer, being connected, doesn’t make a difference. If we could shut off our feelings, shut off the fear, the anger, we wouldn’t have these problems. But shutting off these feelings, we also shut off the love, the joy, the caring.
I remember a movie many years ago titled ‘Oh God, Book 2’. In it George Burns played God trying to get one little girl to make a difference. At one point he explained that he created the world so that there was always two of everything. To have good, you had to have bad. To have happy there had to be sad, for smiles, frowns, for love, hate.
“Remember, do not give in to anger. Anger leads to the dark side of the force.”
I guess the point is that we all need to strive for balance. We need to balance our feelings, the parts of our lives, and everything we do. I’ll admit though, sometimes it feels like balancing on the point of a needle.
I’m not sure how to wrap this up. How about like this...
May we all find a way to balance ourselves on the tiny precipices of life. May we take the positive path, and avoid the negativity, no matter how tempting it is. May we follow the light, grow, heal ourselves and others, be helpful, and find the balance we need.
Please take care, and may love and light be with you always.