This is the last time I will question the recent happenings here. I guess when things don't go the way I want them to, or differently than I would have hoped, I start questioning. Now, sometimes when I question things, I am just wasting my time, as I keep getting hit with this word "acceptance". In all too many cases, I want to back away from doing what I have been either because I really wanted something to happen that didn't, or because I start doubting my abilities. Those that know me closely will acknowledge this, and tell stories of how many times they have had to kick me in the backside to get me moving forward again. But I think my questioning ultimately gives me a deeper understanding of what and why. Of course I realize that I function in a technical world, and that piece of me wants all the answers.
I have been through a whole range of feelings since Jay's death, some my own, many not. I have always been there when Terri needed me, and will continue to do so until she doesn't need me anymore. This is something I do with anyone I help. This is part of who I am.
The bad thing is that I question why this had to happen. The only answer I get is because it did. It is according to God's plan. This is needed so both can take the next step to do what they must. I must accept this. And truly, I do accept it, but you know, it still sucks. (I may have to accept it, but I don't have to like it.)
As I learned of what I am, and learned to do the things I now can, I was happy at being able to help people. I knew of course, that there were things I would never do. As my gifts, my abilities grow, I can do more and more to help someone. Yet, there are limitations. When I bounce up against these limitations, I start to question.
When I heard the news about Jay, I kept seeing this scene from the movie 'Superman'. Young Clark Kent is standing with his mother at his father's grave site. He tells his Mom, "All these powers, and I couldn't save him." I felt very much like that.
Why is it I have been given these abilities? What good are they if I can take away headaches, and not do massive healing? There has to be more. Why do they work on some things and not others? Why do they only work some of the time? Why is it I can take away a headache, but can't deal with a migraine?
There was a TV show many years ago called the 'Greatest American Hero' which involved Ralph Hinkley as someone who gained super powers whenever he donned this red suit (costume). The problem was that he lost the instruction book, and didn't know how to make the thing work completely. Basically, sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. All too often, I feel like I am wearing that 'Ralph suit'. Sometimes I can do wonders, sometimes I can't do anything. And I never had an instruction book. This is a 'learn as you figure it out' course. Teachings come as inspiration, ideas out of the blue.
I guess the bottom line to my ranting is that I do what God (Goddess, whatever) allows me to do. I do not do what he does not want me doing. In other words 'you will not muck around with the plan'. Yes, acceptance.
Shirley had a good point. It seems to all go back to the 1950's Doris Day movie that gave us the song 'Que Sera Sera' which when translated means 'Whatever Will Be, Will Be'. Sometimes though, on a cosmic level I think it just means 'shit happens' (pardon my French).
It means that no matter how painful some things have to be, they are necessary for people to go through. This is the learning, feeling experience they have to have during this lifetime. As a lightworker, my job is to give comfort, empathy, love, whatever is necessary to help someone through the problems. That is a job I will continue to perform. It is who I am. It is part of what I must be this lifetime.
So, I remain, your friendly neighborhood lightworker.