I just lost, or should I say, walked away from a friend yesterday. I would have preferred that this not have happened, especially since I don’t make friends real easily, but it had to. Most that I do make friends with, stay friends for as long time. The fact that I lost a very good friend this year (through death) makes this harder.
Ever since my visit to south Florida, and learning that there were problems with the people I worked on, I have been in the dumps. But each time I talk with my friend, I have to be told that I screwed up. I may be a little hard headed, and may need to be told things more than once, but not every time I talk to someone. That doesn’t help me do the right thing. It just makes me feel worse, and doubt myself more.
Finally, the conversation reached a point where I was being told off with a good deal of anger for hurting her friends and herself. At that point, I hung up. I knew at that moment that the friendship was over, and that I would never be intentionally contacting her again. And, it hurts. Friends are few enough. But when you walk away, it makes one feel lonelier. At the same time, if a friend stops treating you like a friend, then maybe that says something in itself.
For the past several hours, I have been doing some things that have been clearing karma. I have been clearing karma from my friend (or ex-friend now) and the three people I worked on during my last visit. This is a decision I made freely, yet is the only one I can make, at least honestly. Whether I am responsible for the problems that they had, I don’t know. I have the word of my friend that these things happened, and I take them at face value.
My first gut impulse was to go hide in a small dark place and hope no one found me. I was thinking about giving up healing, and taking the consequences that brought. This means that I would have to find a technical job again, one where I would be overly stressed, and probably die at an early age. I’m told by my friend that running away is my ego not willing to take the blame, and I am once again showing how egotistical I am. But wouldn’t it be more consistent with ego if I would have stood there and told her she was wrong? As someone else put it, it is just my lack of confidence in myself that makes me run and hide. All I know is that I am very confused.
So, today I made a decision. This decision affects where my life goes from this point on. This is how it goes with all decisions we make. Sometimes the simplest choice may have far reaching effects. My friend thinks she will become something very big in the world of healing. She may be right. I wish her the best. According to her, unless I ride her coattails, I will be nothing but a small fish in a big pond. But, is there anything wrong with that?
If I made the decision to go this way instead of that, and I truly am turning away from what I should be, then my life may be over very soon. If I go out and get hit by a car tomorrow, well then so be it. There’s nothing to be afraid of on the other side. At the same time, it is only fate to say which is right and which is wrong. I don’t know that I ever had any ambitions to be a big fish. I remember doing a future life regression, years ago, and I went to see later on in this life. I remember being a village healer for a small, semi-primitive village while the earth changes were happening. I was satisfied with that then. Why shouldn’t I be now? Who is this friend to tell me where I should be? I think that’s reserved for a slightly higher power.
Maybe the whole point of this is to make me think through what I have been doing, and try to get some cleansing for myself. It is possible that the whole point of all of this (at least from my friend’s point of view) is to leave me confused. If so, it worked.
I guess what I need to be doing is rebuilding myself. I’ve pulled in a few too many dark things being depressed and need to clear them first. I have been given a method of doing a cleansing that involves four archangels. That’s my first step. After that, it will be a building process to be a good healer again. I may have been slowed down, but I haven’t been stopped.