I was having an interesting conversation with my client during her massage yesterday. She was asking questions about the things that are in this journal. She was talking about some of the things I had done that are recorded here, like the healings, the ghostbusting, projection to other people to help them. Then she said something along the lines of “You’ve done a lot of wonderful, helpful things. Aren’t you proud of what you have done?” I stopped for a second. Proud? No. Absolutely not! That’s the last bloody thing I want to be!
Well, let’s forget the first obvious thing to point out that pride is a sin, pride in one’s own accomplishments, in the accomplishments of others. Yes, I’ve been proud of a friend, a family member. At times, I’ve been proud of myself, proud I had the guts to stand up and speak my mind when no one else wanted to hear it, because it was the truth.
But am I proud about what I do here? Should I be? I am pleased that this place here on the internet is followed by a good number of people. I am glad that they find it a nice place to find new ideas, new teachings. I am happy that it represents a good knowledge of Reiki and what can be done with it. I am finally relieved that the massage side of the site pleases the eye and is a good place to relaxingly explain my products and services.
Am I proud for what I have accomplished and put together here. I guess so, but only a little. The building of the site, and the passing on of information took a lot of work and thought. But the key questions is… am I proud of the things I have done that this journal represents, the people I have helped, the teachings I do? That answer is an unequivocal no.
You see, to be able to go help someone is a real good thing. It is also a responsibility (and I’ve quoted Spiderman enough in the last few days). I am glad that I can help someone whether that means doing Reiki, or massage, or moving energies, I’m glad. Am I unhappy when I can’t help someone? Darn right.
You see, I don’t want to be proud. In this case pride is ego. (Now granted, I like to show off now and then, but I’m not proud of it. But, it does make for a great demonstration.) and yes, I know it takes some ego to convince myself that I can help in the first place. Besides, why should I be proud? It’s not me doing these things. And no, I’m not telling you there is some creature coming in to do healings.
I guess the thing is that when I do Reiki, I am not healing, Reiki is. When I reach out with white light and cleanse someone, I am not cleansing them, white light is. No matter what I do, I am only a vessel, a channel, a means for energy to get somewhere to do what it needs to do. I may direct it, and I may just be a link in a chain, or a hollow pipe. Why should I be proud of that? I am very glad when I can be in the right place at the right time, and be the hollow pipe that I need to be, so the energy can work. But I don’t need to be proud of that.
I can do a lot of things. I have certain gifts. But what are these gifts and abilities? They are a set of tools that I am allowed to use, most of the time. Sometimes, I’m not allowed to use them. Sometimes, I’m afraid to.
There is a limit to what I can do, or to put it better, what I am allowed to do. You see, something up there has set limits on me. Sometimes those limits get extended, sometimes they get shortened. What am I talking about?
At times, I may find myself bringing up the images of what I think I’m doing, but I may never truly get tapped in. My abilities get lessened until I take two big steps backward, and start doing things step by step until I am doing all the parts of the process.
There are other times when I went all out to do something only to find out that no matter what I did, I couldn’t help. A good example is when my friend’s fiancé died, and I tried to get him to come back to be with her. I did everything I could to lead him back to her. I used every trick in the book, weapon in the arsenal. And nothing worked. (This event is chronicled on these dates… June 2, 2002, June 3, 2002, June 4, 2002, and June 5, 2002.) The bottom line was that limitations were put on me, and I learned the lesson of “Thou shalt not muck with the cosmic plan”.
Yet there are other times when I’m shown what to do, and pushed to do something I had never done before. This happens when I do massage, and when I do energy work. This has happened when I did ghostbusting, or anything that I was not sure of. I am constantly guided to do what needs to be done, to be the connection for energy to do what it needs to do.
Basically, I have a limitation on the upper level of what I am allowed to do, and a base limit on the bottom level. If I don’t do what I need to, I get prodded until I do. If I go to my limit at the top end, and try to go past, I get brought up short. The divine sets limits on me, and decides when I have grown enough to extend the current limits.
In truth, it is very rare that I work at my maximum potential. I have come very close lately working with the storms. But usually, I fall way short. I feel I need to deal with some problems before I can make that next big jump. Then that upper limit of what I am allowed to do will be higher. But it is still not me doing the work. I’m just the facilitator.
So, me? Feel proud? No. If things work, and someone feels better, then I am happy, nothing more. What more should there be?