I have been stressed a lot lately, and the stress has started to lead to depression. The next thing that happened sent me on a nose dive. Now, most of you would expect me to end it there. But there was one more thing that happened, and that turned my world upside down, which I think makes it right side up now. J Please read on.
After having emotional ups and downs, lately, and having doubts if I will ever be ok, I got a message from my wife telling me to call her. When I did, I found that our older dog, Cheetah (our 12 year old husky), had what the emergency vet thought was a stroke or seizure. Shirley heard her in the living room crying. She ended up getting our neighbor up to help her load the dog into the truck to take her to the emergency vet. Her white count was higher than the vet had ever seen. She is now at our vet and we are waiting to hear if he thinks she’ll recover or not. When my wife left her, she was able to sit a little, but not stand.
Since then I have been crying my eyes out, feeling totally inadequate. In a way, I almost felt ready to just pack it in myself. I realized that what a friend told me was probably right, I don’t like myself. I don’t like what I am. I feel that I am just a selfish miserable waste of genetic material. I did what I could for the dog, at least at this distance. If she passes, she’ll have enough energy to get there. If not, then maybe she will have enough to heal.
After that, the realizations of what and who I am have slammed me in the face. I feel I am a miserable negative person. It was one thing to be that way with my day job, but I would at least be very positive when I was away from there. Lately, I feel like I am negative all the time unless I am working on someone or teaching. I’m a person that can’t stop thinking, thinking of what will go wrong, and visualizing scenarios. I can’t heal myself, or can’t find a way. The people I talk with don’t have a clue, and I get the feeling that they think what they could offer, won’t help.
Been seriously thinking of saying screw everything, and looking for a flight back home rather than taking the class that I’m here to take. My wife didn’t want to ruin my vacation with bad news, but I had to know. And realistically, I haven’t had any magic happen, which I desperately need. I don’t need the CEUs from this class for my license renewal. I can put it off and lose $50 for change fee.
The only time I feel good, is when I’ve helped someone. After that, I just become this negative person again. There aren’t enough bodies coming in the shop to balance that out.
I was thinking I really don’t want to go on the vortex tour as nothing will happen as I’m too jammed up. It was too late to cancel the scheduled trip though.
Then magic happened.
Our tour guide, Linda Summers of Sedona Spirit Journeys, took us up Schnebly Hill to the Schnebly Hill Vortex. (There are five major vortexes in Sedona, which is its big draw, but there are plenty of smaller ones too.) Now, we didn’t go as far up the road as I had the last time I was here, but this lady knew a few things the last guide did not. She parked in an area where we took a ten minute walk through the woods. The site was a flat rock area which was the very center of the vortex. The energy there was very strong, strong enough for me to feel it through my layers of negativity. We looked around for a place to do our ‘ritual’ and I walked for a bit and stopped. I felt like I was in the direct center of the energy. When I visualized the energy in the area, it was all flowing from the spot I was on.
Linda did an initiation with sage (she couldn’t get it to burn). Then we sat down and she did more initiations, and took us into guided meditation. Once in and steady, she left us on our own. I could feel all the garbage clearing from me and my energies calming. I was feeling pretty good when I came out. I saw this rock in front of me and thought it was neat. Linda said that she had gotten perceptions and asked if we wanted to hear them. I’m always willing to listen, and feel the need for guidance more than I ever have before. She told me a lot of things, some that I knew, others that I hope will truly happen.
She had seen (in her mind) a flock of deer. One had stepped out and looked at her. She told me that like the deer, I’ve been very open, very vulnerable. I’ve come through a lot of stresses, and have been going through a lot emotionally. She told me that I would get stronger.
She continued to tell me that in three months, doors will start to open up and keep opening. From that point on things will just continue to grow. As long as I stay with my business and doing what I’m doing, I will be successful in what I do and in my teaching. In the meantime, I will have to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other to be able to get there. It will be very tricky and hard to keep focused, and I will have to concentrate hard on putting one foot in front of the other.
She showed me this rock that was sitting in front of me. She had found it, and thought it might be something for me. Looking at it from one side, it was kind of flat, and looked like a heart, something that has been having trouble holding a grip on things, yet needs to start taking control to keep me in balance. When you turn it over, it went from flat to a nice pattern. It looked like the head of a puppy dog. More tears started rolling at this point.
She also said that something in this class I’m taking will get me laughing, or seeing the funny side of something. I will continue on in that good humor.
I was having tears come down my face now and then as I listened. She asked if I was ready to move on, or if I needed to walk a bit. I went to the side of the hill overlooking the valley. There, I just let the rest of what was happening release. I cried a lot. Everything came out of me, and I just continued to cry. Every time I was crying, I saw darkness, then as I drew in a breath, it was filled with light. When I had calmed and released all that was going to, I laid down on the rock. I saw myself floating away from my body. I found myself surrounded by white light, and felt the presence of a deity, I think God. Then I saw another, a Goddess. As I was sent back to my body and felt myself in my body, I heard a voice say ‘you will be fine.’
I managed to be calm enough that my shields came down. I could sense the emotions around me a bit. I was not as relaxed as I had been the first time I had been up there, but I had been pretty loose and relaxed when I started that time. What happened this time is nothing short of a miracle.
Later, we were leaving another vortex spot, when we saw a coyote walking along the road. Linda told us that in some medicine wheels, the coyote is a sign for releasing.
Linda told us later that this vortex is good for soul work and releasing. Hmmm.
I may be crying now, but it is not despondent unhappiness.
Just remember, stuff happens, but sometimes that stuff is the most wonderful magic that you could ever imagine.
** Shameless Plug Department
Linda, our tour guide of the vortexes, tailored our tour to our (my) needs. This is something she does with all her tours. She can make them plain and simple, or extremely spiritual. By my request, we headed to Schnebly Hill, and stayed away from all the typical ‘tourist’ vortexes. If you are into some of the things I am, and manage to get to this area, I recommend you contact her for a tour.