A couple of years ago, I talked about masks. We all wear different masks at different times, and change them in and out based on our needs. We have the mask we wear at work, the mask we wear when we're out with friends, even the mask we wear when we're at home by ourselves. But, is there a mask we wear to hide from ourselves?
I started doing some thinking the other day (yes, I do that occasionally, it may be rare, but I do it). I was trying to be introspective with myself, and try to figure out some stuff that I might want to correct in me. The first part of correcting any problems, of course, is seeing all your problems in the first place.
I took a long look at myself, and tried to figure out what I truly saw. What is the person that is truly there? I looked at my habits, and I looked at my desires, and I looked at the things I do. There are a lot of things I do that I think I should not be doing. I have felt this for quite a while, but have never been able to stop. It makes me truly wonder what my makeup is.
Am I the person that people see? Do they see me when I teach, or just another mask? What about when I'm healing, is that just another mask also? What about when I'm just talking to people? What mask are they seeing then? Am I asking too many questions? J
I like to think that people are truly seeing me, but I tend to wonder if that is true. I like to think that when I'm teaching, and my energies are raised, that this is the real me. I also like to think that the real me shows through when I'm healing others. But I have noticed that when I come down off the high of teaching or healing others, that I sink back to a "normal" level, or lower.
I look at the business, and I look at the money coming into the shop. All too often, this causes depression. It is a new concept for me to live week to week in an environment where I don't know what money will be coming in. I have been used to having the security of a job and a regular paycheck for far too many years to just be comfortable in a retail type of business.
Even though it is still very early in the month, I have been looking at my bills and wondering how I'm going to pay them. Money has been coming in with opportunities to do healing, and if it continues to do so at the rate it has been, then I'll make it fine. But at this point each month, I tend to be concerned with whether the bills will get paid or not. (With the fact that I'll be in Arizona for two weeks next month, it is a bigger worry because that's two weeks I won't be able to do any healing or earn any income.) But what I'm truly doing, or afraid that I'm doing, is manifesting my fears.
So I look deeply into myself, and try to look at the pieces that make up this person that writes these articles that you read. Part of what makes up this person is desire, the desire to do well to succeed. Another part is fear, fear of failure, even fear of success. One thing that concerns me is that the fear takes a bigger part than it should. (It's starting to sound like I'm heading toward a lesson in balancing.) Another part of me includes hope and faith. The hope is very strong, but I become concerned with the faith. I need to know that it's strong enough to get me through any problem ahead, but I'm concerned that it is not. Another word coming out of faith is confidence. Confidence in myself is something I generally lack.
So, I look inside and add up the parts. The question I'm having is if what I'm seeing is truly me, or an inner mask staring back.
I've been told on many an occasion from some very good friends that the eyes are the window to the soul. The soul, of course, is the entire makeup of the person. Are they truly seeing me? Or are they seeing a mask?
I guess I need to keep looking for a while. I'll let you know when Halloween is over.
Take care. May love and light allow you to see through all your masks, and find your inner selves.