There is this scene in the movie “The Wizard of Oz” where the main characters (Dorothy, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, and the Cowardly Lion) are in the great hall and facing the wizard. There is this huge face at the far end of the chamber with lots of fire and smoke coming out of places around it. For some reason, Dorothy’s dog Toto starts looking around and finds this curtain, which he promptly pulls open exposing a man pushing levers and pulling chains. The wizard’s face tells the intrepid heroes to “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.” There are times when I feel exactly like that.
Over the last few years, I have felt lots of magic (and I still feel that) and lots of things happening. There have been times when I have felt ‘stuck’, like I was just marking time. I’m starting to think that is what is happening right now.
People come in, and I do work. I am guided most of the time, and I follow that guidance unless I feel a need to question it. If I question it, I ask if that is truly something that will help my client and if it is truly coming from somewhere outside of me. For example, I feel the need to do regular massage on one of my clients instead of MFR. I’m not sure why I feel this way, and normally wouldn’t question it, but the situation is a little special. Because of this, I am trying to figure out why I am being prompted, and what could regular massage do that other things are not doing.
But even though I am doing the work (and good work at that), and being guided, sometimes I feel like I am going through the motions, just pulling levers and pushing buttons. Or maybe it’s my levers that are being pulled and my buttons pushed. Hmmm. Hadn’t thought of that until this moment.
Maybe I am on automatic, somewhat removed from the process, yet being pushed and guided to do the right things. Maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. I mean, I’m not thinking about other things. My thoughts are focused on what I am doing. I just don’t always feel like I am completely there. Yet, the problems get solved. The client feels better. All the right moves were used.
So what does that say? Maybe I’m not the man behind the curtain. Maybe I’m just the face on the wall, a projection that is moved and manipulated by something or someone else, someone behind a very different and distant curtain.
Wow. Talk about something to think about. Or maybe I should just be happy, and not think about it at all. Maybe I should just (and here’s that word again) accept it. Maybe sometimes our quest for answers limits us. Maybe once we find the answers (or what we think the answers are) we limit ourselves by them.
At the same time, I am not into totally blind guidance, or blindly following. Everything that comes in has to be passed by my sense of properness and propriety. It has to get run up against my ‘morality meter’. I need to feel that it is right. This is what keeps me from turning to the dark side.
At the same time, I need to feel that I am progressing and moving forward. As I said, I’ve had this feeling of ‘stuckness’ before. Sometimes it goes on a long time. When it ends, it usually ends with a large leap forward. I’m actually wondering if I need to get out and experience more things of the ethereal nature. Maybe I need to start looking into classes again. The main reason I haven’t done this (other than Kay’s death) is the problems my legs give me. And maybe it’s about time I did something about that.
So I guess I am moving forward even though I feel stuck. And I keep getting told that I am responsible for my own healing, and that only I can do it (even if that means getting out and seeing someone). So, I have given myself answers (or have been given answers), and all I need to do with them now is get off my backside and follow them where they lead. Hmmm, so guidance is a good thing.
So for the meantime, I’ll try to pay some attention to that “man behind the curtain” and see where he’s leading me, or which direction he is prodding me to go in. I know, enjoy the journey.