With all I said yesterday, I am finding it hard to be positive.
With all that is happening, more things have added to the mix to make a downright dismal outlook on life. And although I know that things happen for a reason, I also know that being as stubborn as I am (I’m a Taurus), it seems that issues have to be pushed to the breaking point to get me to take action. It was that way when we moved here from Maryland. My wife’s job was moving, and my company had gone out of business. It seemed that we were being forced out. At the same time, there were little signs telling us things were changing. A wind storm had destroyed our apple tree (the one with the best tasting apples). Some disease had gotten to our peach tree so we weren’t getting any fruit from it. These were all signs.
Well, we’re getting signs again. My wife is currently looking for work. This search could take us out of the area, which would mean starting fresh somewhere else. (At the same time I have been told a number of times that we will end up somewhere to the north in a mountainous region. If I believe this, then moving is inevitable. But that doesn’t mean that I am looking to move.) With the company making negative income, we are pretty much being tossed to the winds to land wherever we will. I’m hoping we can at least pick a direction (which could include staying here).
I received a reading yesterday. One thing jumped out was that my business had six months. Now there were suggestions of things that I really don’t want to do (but will have to) that could bring some money in. There is a positive in that, but all I saw was the negative.
Lately, business (session work) has downright sucked. At first, I thought that it was just the period of the year, and that was partially right. But lately, I have noticed that I have not been getting any phone calls. I mean, I haven’t even been getting hang ups or ‘sorry wrong numbers’. This week alone, I have done three sessions and have yet to bring any money in. Now two of those were gift certificates that were purchased in December, so I am actually earning what I have been paid. The other was a trade with a friend. Now, they were all great sessions, and I’m glad I got to work, but it still didn’t bring any money in.
Now lately, Reiki classes have been strong, and have been supporting the business. (This also seems to go through cycles.) And I have more money in the bank than I usually earn in a month. The expenses are paid for, and rent is covered. And I still have half a month left. I need to see more people coming in to generate more business.
A big part of my problem is not being a marketing genius. I know what advertising is working for me, and I know what seems to be a waste of money, and what brings out the perverts. But advertising alone is not cutting it, especially when I have tried most places in the area.
The sad realization is that I have been out of the computer industry for so long, I couldn’t go back into it unless I started at the bottom again. And it certainly wouldn’t be as rewarding. Anything in that area that I might try to do on the side will take time to generate business. Time is something I don’t have an abundance of.
I have been constantly aware during the last three years that I am not generating any income. In fact, I have been generating negative income. I have actually been looking at the job postings in the paper and online. There seems to be nothing I can do, and if there was, it would mean closing my business to do it. One problem is that right now, the business is making expenses, at least the basics. If I closed the shop to take a day job, I would lose that money, and the day job would be paying the shop’s expenses. (I’ve seriously been thinking of seeing if Wal Mart has any openings on the weekends. Scary, huh?)
Through all of this, there are a lot of things running through my mind. The biggest ones are worry and fear. And yes, I know if I dwell on these, I will simply draw them in. Maybe this is a lesson to see if I can practice what I preach. But a lot of that comes from my makeup. I know these things, and feel they are true, but putting them into practice is hard.
My mother was a worrier. She would get nervous and worry about everything. I picked that up from her. Thanks Mom. But through this worrying came the type of thought processes that it takes to be a good computer programmer. You see, a programmer must look at the one perfect situation as he writes his code, and then look at everything that could possibly go wrong, and then plan for it. One could write their programs believing that the user is not going to press the wrong key, but invariably, they will. This forces us to play out every negative situation, and come up with a plan for it. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop when we leave the job. (This is what generates things like Murphy’s Law. In fact, did you ever hear of Murphy’s Law2? It says that if anything can possibly go wrong, it already has.) It continues on in how we look at life. Not something a person of faith should be following is it?
At the same time, faith can be the factor that makes us do contingency planning and makes us do the work to get things to work out right. Maybe what we need is faith in ourselves to make things come about. I tend to lack a bit of that.
My friend tells me that I should not look at the negative, and simply believe that the positive will happen. That may be true, and following what I wrote yesterday, it does create energies for that. But it is hard, especially when what I am feeling most is fear.
If I let it, fear overwhelms me. It paralyzes me. I know there are things I should be doing, but I can’t move. The idea of losing this business, and not doing healing work again (much less going back to doing something at minimum wage) frightens me. The next thoughts involve not wanting that life, and that it might be time to move on. (Years ago, a friend told me how she almost stopped her heart just by getting in touch with her organs and shutting it off.) No, I’m not there yet, but there are times when it is tempting. Yet, at the same time, I feel there is a lot more to accomplish in this life, ;ike that book I'm supposed to write.
I need to turn things around. I need to believe I can do that. Before I do, I may need to just curl up into a ball and cry for a couple of days (and this is time I can never seem to schedule). After I let all that out, I might be able to move forward, at least I believe I can. (Hmm, there’s that word again… believe.)
Well, just putting this down helps. Now the thing is to start working with positive energy. Meditation will be the first key, building the positive energy needed. I think I want to go back to doing some of the exercises I used to do a few years ago. (This thought came to me out of the blue, so it is something I need to do.)
Well it’s time to make a u-turn. I believe I can do it. I’ll keep you posted.