Some time ago, I wrote a post that I called Darkness Descending. For some reason, it has not only come back, it seems to be enveloping me.
In October of 2002 (see the post), I was under quite a lot of stress. I was getting slammed from my day job just around the time I was about to receive my massage license. I had plunged down the dark tunnel of depression. Thankfully something pulled me out.
Right now, I don’t see that there is a way out. My evening job (yes, the one I can’t afford to walk away from) is stressing me. It is to the point that I do not even know what they want me teaching, and it seems they don’t want me doing the best job I can. (I was told that if I had only one student, and it has happened before, that I would have to be the body for my student to work on, which meant I would have to teach while being on the table. Yeah, I thought that would be your response too.)
It has been a nice week with school closed, but tonight I have to go back in. The entire week off, I kept closing my eyes and seeing myself at school arguing over being allowed to do a quality job. I was so depressed yesterday that I slept all day. When I did wake up, I couldn’t move for almost 45 minutes. Talk about being paralyzed.
I just can’t seem to shake the darkness that has surrounded me. Along with this, business has been painfully slow. I saw two people last week, and two the week before. Right now, I am looking at needing to make $600 to be able to afford the bills at the end of the month. With business going the way it has, that is doubtful.
I feel like all this has just come crashing down on me and enveloped me in a darkness so thick I can actually feel it physically. I’m sure part of what is making business slow is the negative energy I have going around me. Unfortunately, that is just fueling more negative energy. At the same time, if I can’t clear myself to work on someone and do it well, then I am just shooting myself in the foot anyway.
Surprisingly, I have been holding my own (or so it seems). At least until Saturday. I taught a Reiki 1 class that day that did not go as well as it could have. The comment form was the lowest score I had ever gotten. Based on the things that happened, I can understand why (and if you read the post from that day, you can too). But intellectually, I could understand it and let it go. Emotionally, with the mess my emotions have been in lately, I just dove into an unending spiral into a dark abyss.
Every time I thought about school, anger would pop up. Just like my post a few days ago, it is time to step back. I feel like my heart has been sealed off and nothing can get to it. It is surrounded in darkness.
As I was sleeping, I remembered something a friend had told me a while back. She had been so upset and wanted to die. She went inside herself and saw that she could stop her heart and end it all very easily. Obviously, she didn’t or I would have been getting this through a medium.
Feeling depressed, the dream took me down until I drifted inside my own body. I moved through the organs until I saw the major vessels and arteries. I fell inside one and let the flow take me to the heart. I sat inside the heart for a bit, watching the valves open and close. Then I noticed it. A toggle switch. Yes, a toggle switch. Those of us with technical backgrounds tend to see things in representations of technology. The switch was labeled. One side was labeled ‘on’ while the other was ‘off’. The switch was (of course) in the ‘on’ position.
I started to reach for it, I really did. Then something made me afraid to pull it. I knew this would be permanent. I knew there would be no coming back from this. I also knew that I would have to go through all this again in the next life because I had not learned how to deal with it in this life. I backed away and left the area. Then I woke up. If I hadn’t, this post might not be here. J
Realistically, if I was leaving, and it was my own choice, there are a few people I would like to notify. I have a few friends that may never hear because they live so far away, and I only talk with them by phone or e-mail. Just checking out and them never hearing from me again would really not be nice.
Obviously, I’m still here. And obviously, I am doing better because these posts are usually written a day or two (and sometimes more) after the fact. Now, I know that most of these posts are to be positive. They teach a lesson. But what is the lesson here? I think it is that anyone, anywhere, at anytime can fall victim to depressions due to problems in their life. Healers are no more immune to it than anyone else. The problem is finding the way out of the dark. And sometimes, we need to be shown the way.
Read tomorrow’s post to see the path I was given.