Today turned things around thanks to my mediumship teacher. Believe it or not, there really is light there.
My mediumship teacher arrived and asked if I was ready for a class. The answer was no, but since I have not had training in the last two or three visits, I knew I needed to whether I was ready or not.
We sat for a while, and I told her about the things I had been going through. I was so out of it that I had not eaten anything since Sunday. (About 17 years ago or so, I went into a very deep depression. I was so not caring for anything that I stopped eating. I really wasn’t interested in food and didn’t want to bother. Eventually, I came out of the depressions, but had learned that I could go without food for quite a while as long as I kept drinking liquid. I remember having days when I would eat nothing more than an apple. I also remember mainlining acetaminophen - Tylenol - because I was getting constant headaches. I started exercising and ended up losing 40 pounds.) Now, I have needed to lose weight for a long while now, but have been unable to go to the gym because of my work schedule. I just can’t seem to stop eating. Well, now I have.
At any rate, my teacher listened, then decided (or was given) the course of action to take. She started out with a meditation, something I had been trying to do, but not succeeding. (I know, I know. Try not. Do. Or do not.) She took me on a relaxing journey somewhere. The reason I say somewhere is that I don’t remember it all. I remember how she took me in, and many of the things she said, but I went so deep that I did not hear her all the time.
As I went down into it, I kept seeing images of school coming up. Finally, I was able to just see them as loose (random) thoughts and dismiss them. I kept going deep and coming up a little and hearing the words being spoken, then going back down. I kept hearing that there were people who loved me. I kept seeing this block around my heart start to melt. At one point she said that I needed to be me. When I heard that, I realized that I have been so snowed for so long that I’m not really sure who the real me is.
One thing my teacher made painfully clear was that I still have a lot of people to help. I am needed by friends, family, and clients. She told me that if I was not around, it would be a big loss (not that I’ve ever felt I was any big addition to anything). But, there are people that I can help, but as my affirmations say, “In order to transform others, I must first transform myself”.
Eventually, I saw something that surprised me, but should not have. I saw a speck of light in the center of my heart. It started getting brighter. It started to fill the area of darkness. It got brighter. With it, I felt strength coming into me. I felt spirit there. The strength grew as the light grew. At that point, I had enough light and enough strength to stand against the darkness, at least for a while.
When she brought me out, she created my exercise for today. This was not completely planned. Most of it was brought up right at that moment by spirit. She had a ring of many colors of ribbons. Now, I had seen these before as we had done exercises with it in previous classes. At that time, one person would pick four colors and then give the ring to someone else to get information about that person from spirit. In this case, my teacher picked the four colors and my objective was to get information about me from spirit.
The colors she selected were silver, pink, light brown, and light green. She said that she was really torn between silver and gold, but ended up with the silver. She told me that when I looked at the silver I could figure it was silver and gold. Wow. Silver and gold. Let’s forget the obvious joke about needing gold or making money. What popped into my head was something Kay had taught me years ago (and can probably be found somewhere in the annals of this journal). Silver is for spirit travel and gold is for spirit communication. When we used to check with spirit, or do readings, we used to intertwine silver, gold, and blue together, then bring them in through the crown chakra. The blue was for our communication (blue being the color of the throat chakra).
What this said to me immediately was that I need to let spirit in and listen to spirit more. I do this when I work, although I had been having trouble connecting lately, but I need to let it in for all aspects of my life. My teacher spoke of a poem that someone of the Christian faith had written. It talked about Jesus walking alongside a man, the two of them leaving two sets of footprints in the sand. The man looked back at one point and noticed that there was a patch where only one set of footprints appeared. The man asked what happened there. He was told that this was a point that was so hard he could not make it by himself and that Jesus carried him through it. The lesson to me was that spirit is there to carry me through my problems, but I need to let it in.
The brown color told me that I was mired in shtuff. It is like the defecation has contacted the rotary oscillator (the shtuff hit the fan) and I am buried in the results. My problem has been that I have not been able to lift myself out of the felgercarb. I need to pull myself out, or get help if I can not do it alone. (This class today was helping do that greatly.)
The next color was pink. I don’t remember a lot of what this said. In fact at this moment, I do not remember any of it. I just know that it was another growth experience.
The final color was light green. This immediately reminded me of nature, green grass, birds singing, water moving. These are all things in my sanctuary that I used to go to when I was stressed (meditation sanctuary). I haven’t been there in a long time. Which tells me something else. I have not been taking any time for myself. I have been working 12-hour days for over a year now. I am so exhausted when I am home on the weekends that if by some miracle we don’t have to do any running around, I just sleep. I need to find time to relax, have some fun (Huh? Fun? What’s that?), find some peace. The bottom line as I have said many times is that there has to be balance. If one doesn’t find a way to float now and then, one drowns in the garbage.
I need to do positive things to offset the negative things I have to put up with. One of these things that came to mind is to do self Reiki. This is something I teach, but admittedly something I don’t do often enough (and most practitioners are that way). I will make a conscientious effort to do this at least three times a week.
One thing I did do was to print up my affirmations and hang them on the wall where I can read them from my desk. I will be doing this once a day. I need to believe in myself again.
So, all in all, I have come away with a positive attitude and lots of positive energy and strength. I just need to keep it up, and I know how to do that.
I found this quote that popped up on my website when I went to look at something there today, and it is very appropriate… If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.