I was told many years ago that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think that means that I put all of myself into everything I do, and that if something goes wrong, or is perceived wrong, I end up deeply hurt. The stuff that has been buzzing because of the comments that have been said have hurt deeply.
This person that I thought was a friendly person, whom I respected, whom I was even sending business to if I did not have what the client wanted (like a female therapist, just basically told me and everyone that that she has hated me and thought poorly of me since I have been here. Does that make me gullible?
To even think that one of these comments might have some bearing in fact bothers me. I know people misunderstand things, and sometimes what has happened in their lifetime may cause them to think something else is happening than truly is.
I like to think I have always been the complete professional in what I do, whether it is my sessions or how I run my business. I think I treat people with honestly and fairly whether that be clients, or people on the street, or employees. And in truth, I am told by my clients, and students, and others that this is the case. After all, I have never touched anyone inappropriately, or had a second agenda with what I do. As I teach, when one does what I do, the purity of intent has to be the guiding force, and that intent has to be to heal. But even though numbers, and comments, and feeling s show me that what was said was not true, it still hurts.
Not only does it hurt, it makes me second guess myself with everything I do. That makes me less of a healer. I plunged head first into darkness. I started wondering what I would do if I could no longer do what I believe is my calling. I kept putting energy into negative outcomes. And we all know that we draw to us what we put the most energy into. I was putting mine into fear.
Now fear is a horrible thing. It stops us from doing what we need to be doing. It makes us afraid to do anything at all. It makes us doubt everything we do to the point that we don’t do anything at all. Fear sucks.
The more I looked at striking back at what this person was doing (and I’m talking legally here), the more hopeless things looked. The more people I got advice from, the more fear they produced. At one point I started throwing things around the room as I figured I might was well shut the doors now and never do anything again.
I looked around myself and all I saw was darkness. I did get some help from people, specifically clients. Just being in their positive energies, energies that come from getting a session form me, lifted me up out of the blackness that I saw. They kept me going to a point that I could continue working on others. Even at a reduced percentage, with spirit guiding me, I was still better than many others.
So, I started to climb the darkened steps up out of the black abyss. And here starts the journey.