Monahan’s

By all means, Mom is tired.  So for Mother’s Day, get her a healthy, young stud to give her a good time.  Obviously when you see the whole sign, you know that they are talking about earrings here, but out of context, well it does bring some interesting thoughts to mind.

Movie Time

Looking over this list of movies on the marquee, I was drawn to the grouping at the bottom. I’m not sure is if this is a comment on the staff or just an unfortunate listing of the movies. I guess the only way to know is by buying a ticket and then getting beer or wine.

United Methodist Church

Jesus has returned, and he is one block down the road.  Actually, when you see the full sign, it is still only a bit clearer.  This is a sign for Christ Methodist Church which is a block down the road.  The funny thing about it is that the name of the church is on the sign, but it is not clear that it is the name of the church.  Even taken in context, it could be looked at all too many ways.

Don’t Eat the Food

Not sure if this is a warning, or a menu. I think I’ll pass on the food though.

Church of the Cross

Well, this says a lot.  Got to love those Methodists.  Always a sense of humor.  At least I think it is supposed to be humor.

Hunting Season is Open

It’s hunting season. Do you need a particular license for shooting pedestrians? Is it the same as other wildlife? But remember, yo can only hunt them if they’re on the walk trails.

Applebees

I’m not quite sure what this is saying. Does this mean that if you come in to Applebees without your pants, you can get a good deal on soup and salad? Gee, they really are a friendly place. Maybe it is their staff that is bottomless, just like a topless bar, but the reverse. Or maybe they’ve removed the floor of the place and you walk on dirt. I’ll bet it saves money on carpet cleaning.
In truth, it would have made more sense to use all three lines on the sign and center it…

Bottomless
Soup and Salad
$5.99 M-F 11-3

But then again, that’s probably giving them too much credit.

Jacksonville Sheriff

K9 Mounted?  Does this police force employ officers so small that they can mount them on German Shepherds?  Maybe this is for those that couldn’t meet the minimum height restriction to be  a regular cop.  Hmm, what happens if one’s mount decides to chase a cat with the officer still mounted? 

E.T. Phone Home

I know we all wanted to see ET phone home.  But I expected him to be picked up in some sort of starship, not an SUV.  And look, it’s a local number too.  Sure saves on long distance charges for interstellar calls.  (Of course he may have that interstellar calling plan…  Everywhere from here to Rigel 3 is local.) 

Open Mike?

This is not Open MIC night where anyone can come and talk. They are specifically opening some guy named MIKE. Like the comment says, it must suck to be Mike.

Driving Elephants?

Do they make cars big enough for elephants? Stick or automatic? Screaming the need for punctuation.

Michael’s

Here is one where the misplacement of another sign changes the meaning of the original sign.  Wow, craft pumps are on sale.  What’s a craft pump?  Do you need to pump up your craft?  Get a craft pump.  Hmm, maybe it helps you at your occupation.  And amazingly enough, they look like pumpkins.  Hmm, does the top of the pumpkin shaped thing come off to get to the hose?

Demonstration?

I can’t imagine walking into a Home Depot or Lowes and asking someone to demonstrate this.

CVS Pharmacy

Cool. Someone is selling CHARM. I can think of a lot of people that need this very product. I believe it is charm and not charms. (Down here in the south they frown on charms.) And to think that you can get a 9-pack of charm for such a low price. You can pass it to your friends and they’ll be have charm too. Of course, if it is so inexpensive, and you get so many for the price, I wonder how long each bit of charm lasts. Or how many of them do you have to take to be completely charming? Well, it sure beats going to Charm School. They also have water to wash down your charm pills (at least I assume it is pills).
Stop in at the pharmacy and pick up some charm fast. Don’t be the only one left that is not charming. Now if someone would start selling some SMART.

BDSM Restaurant?

Not sure what Debbie’s problem is, but she’s either looking for people into bondage, or rope tricks

Warning! Warning!

If you’re male, you should avoid this area at all costs. That is if you want your privates intact. Talk about poor listing.

Strange Places

Uhhh, I just don’t know. I’ll stay away from there.

Brutal Punishment

I didn’t know surgical punishment was still legal.

Just Baste Me

Again, punctuation. Of course, a gravy hot tub sounds delicious.

Tall People

It looks like they are expecting some really tall people to come this way.  Of course this is a drive through.  Just don’t stand up as you come through.

Trees

With the holiday a few days away, many places are selling trees as best they can.  But this one is giving you half off each tree.  The question is which half are they cutting off?  The top or the bottom?  It does not say that the trees are half price.  It says that they are half off.  So where do they cut them?  Maybe they have a way of cutting it in half vertically.  Maybe one could mount it up against a wall.  I wonder if they sell mounting clips for that.  It certainly would save on decorations.

Jacksonville Airport

Ok, let’s think about this. To park at this airport, you have to have some type of terminal illness. They seem to have parking only for those that are dying. If you are completely well, I guess you have to come in a rental car.

Jacksonville Airport

Terminal Return? If you’re terminal, you can return? Is that like coming back from the dead? Is that like Return of the Living Dead?

Beachside Seafood

How romantic. Hey Hon. Bring home crabs when you come. Uh huh. And this is to prove your love?
Well, then you have to see the whole sign for it to make sense…

Naming Rights

Not sure I want to know how this place got its name.

Private Balcony

I’m not sure if this is talking about viewing the foliage, or a thrill ride (ride?). It would be interesting to know how many floors this hotel has. It could be a short trip or a long drop. Definitely need to think about the gravity of the situation before checking in.

Luna Sea Motel

OK, a picture of the full moon over the ocean.  Yes, it does say Luna Sea (or actually Luna Ocean).  But the other thing it implies that comes at full moon, and sounds like the name of the motel is LUNACY.  I guess they couldn’t really advertise it as the Lunacy Motel.  Let’s go have a crazy picnic at the Lunacy Motel.  Yeah.  I’m up for that.

American Made

Does this mean that all hand towels are made outside the country?  What if one found some domestically made towels?  And what other foreign products are we talking about?  Does someone from another country need to go somewhere else to use the toidy?  Or is it ok if they ate American food?  Of course, if that were true does that mean someone that had Mexican for lunch has to go somewhere else?  I’m sure that everyone that uses these toilets much push lever saying, “Yes!  Made in America!”

Naked Shopping/Gardening

Remember, if you intend to go into the garden center, you must remove all your clothes as they are not allowed in that area. I wonder if they have lockers for you to store them, or a clothing check area.

Beulah Baptist Church

One has to ask if the church is now giving sexual advice, or just asking real personal questions.  I guess it depends on where your mind is. 

Family Planning at this hospital is also giving sexual advice.  Well, this is one sure way to stop pregnancies.

Carribbean Connection

Wow.  T-shirts for the S&M crowd.  According to Webster, OBEY (oh-bay) is to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes, or instructions.  So if one is into bondage as Master / Slave then I guess the Master would be wearing these shirts, telling their partner to obey him.  Maybe they are also for parents with unruly children.  The possibilities abound.  I know this is a national brand (that sells some cool shirts and other things) and I’ll bet they pronounce it oh-bee, but taken in the direct form of the word, it can be fun.